There is about a month and a half left before my child enters the world of public education, and I am already lying awake at night obsessing over it. He’s never gone to daycare, and my parents are the only ones who really babysat him. What is the source of my fear and anxiety? Is it control? Is it a lack of trust? If so, in who? In others? In the universe? In my child?
Will he make safe choices? He’s a little more clumsy than other 5 year old boys, what if they aren’t watching him as close on the playground and he gets severely hurt? Oh, the ‘what ifs‘ …. they haunt me.
And my logical brain pokes through to remind me that scenario-playing is beneficial to no one. I must learn to surrender and trust.
We don’t bring children into the world to be extensions of ourselves. They come into their lives for their own purpose, path, and life lessons.
I have no way of truly knowing what his life lessons are meant to be, as that universal knowledge is beyond what we could fathom… I do know that in order to be the best parent I can, I must learn to surrender and hold space.
We are brought down by forms of attachment. Attachments aren’t always physical either. We can become attached to our emotional and intangible expectations.
Our children are unique souls who come to the world to do their own work. Projecting my expectations onto him would be projecting my suffering onto him. He has his own path, and my purpose as a conscious parent would be to hold space for him.
[I am not saying that as parents we should let our young children consume whatever media, food, and energy they choose when they are too young to know the difference – because that would be handing the reigns to a capitalist society. If we were living the way human beings are meant to live, one wouldn’t have to worry about his or her child consuming copious amounts of processed foods and detrimental technology. BUT, it is important to explain why you make certain choices for them so that when they are old enough to choose, they are informed of both sides.]
Parenting is a delicate dance between two souls, which will ultimately require me to give up a part of myself.
Relationships can either be vehicles for growth, or they can be vehicles of entrapment.
If I want to be the best parent I can be – for him – I need to be a place of loving space for him to grow. This will require me not to lose myself, but to take care of myself so that I can hold it together for him. This will require me to let go of any expectations, obsessions, and pre-conceived notions.
This will require me to acknowledge and support him as his own truly unique soul.
This is the beginning.
As I drop him off to the doors and into the hands of other people, I will cry, but I will surrender.
I will wrap him in white light and love, kiss him and wish him a beautiful day.
I will not let him become the victim of my worries.
Intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and a hunger for control have tried to plague me my entire life. These are not his responsibilities. These are my own. The fear stops with me. I need to make space for other things. I need to make space to hold space for him.
Lacey plants a seed 